How do we stand in times of Great Sorrow?

I thought that in my life I had endured great sorrow. I had suffered the loss of two grandfathers, a grandmother, my baby sister, my two biological uncles, and my mom. I was sure that I had felt grief at its worst; however, I realized quickly that I had no idea the amount of grief that one person could endure. The loss of my husband was different, I felt it in a way that I never felt with other losses. I literally felt like I could not breathe. Getting up and putting one foot in front of the other took all the strength in my body. 

 

So, I started this journey of learning how to stand strong in times of great sorrow. I was living daily, stuck in the past, holding on to every memory, as if it would somehow eventually disappear. Honestly, I had taken the reins and was looking to every memory to bring peace to my heart. I had tunnel vision and I was going in the wrong direction. 

 

A few months after Tim’s death, a dear friend took me to the beach for a couple of days. I needed the time away and the fellowship was so good for me. On the last day, we went to a thrift store, and I saw a picture. It was old & dark, not something that I would have been drawn to. Then I read it, “When life gives you more than you can stand, Kneel”. I didn’t care how much it cost I had to have it. I was broken, not because I had lost my husband, not because I needed God’s peace and I just couldn’t stand during my grief. No, I was crushed because I realized, standing in that thrift store, that I had not only lost my husband but I had also lost my relationship with God. You would think that I would have been jolted immediately, that my prayer life would have changed right then and there with that sweet reminder from God, It did not.

 

Let me go back a little bit. A little over a year earlier I got COVID and was hospitalized for 21 days. I only thought that was the trial of my life. I remember coming out of the hospital, having for years carried my family spiritually, and telling my aunt that I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t carry that burden anymore; I couldn’t be strong. I was so physically weak that it carried over spiritually. She told me to let Tim do it, let him carry this burden for a while.  He had prayed through while I was in the hospital and was more on fire for God than he had been our whole marriage. So, I did, I let Tim do it. He carried us, he prayed, fasted, sent scriptures, laid hands on me at 4:00 am, speaking in tongues, travailing for our daughter, our sons, our grandbabies. Then he was gone and I floated off the prayers of friends and family members for about 6 months. I was sidetracked, lost, and vulnerable. I let things take the place of the God who had always been there with me through every heartache, loss, trial and struggle for my whole life. 

Through it all, God was sweetly calling me back to prayer. He loved me and was always there, I just failed to call out to Him. I remember the day that He got my attention. I was missing Tim so much. I was angry, frustrated, and pretty much a big baby. I said, “God I just miss him”. Immediately I heard, “yes Taryn, I know how you feel, I miss you. I lost it; I was literally a broken mess. For the next week, I was consumed with prayer. Day and night, all the time, on my knees. You see I couldn’t stand any longer, I had to kneel. 

 

I wish I could tell you that immediately everything changed, that I didn’t cry anymore over Tim, and that I was not consumed with grief at times. No, my circumstances didn’t change, my focus did. I am almost a year in, two months away and I miss him every day. But It Is Well With My soul. I am happy and I feel so blessed. I am so thankful for the people that God has put in my life, so thankful for a support system that keeps me on track, so thankful for my kids, and I find strength in my memories now. Strength to carry on, to enjoy my future and all that God has in store for me. 

 

So, if you want to know how I stand in times of great sorrow, I KNEEL.

 

 

 

 

 

The Lesson I Learned From A Fly

Our church hosted the N.A.M.E. (Native American Ministries Evangelism) Conference this week and oh what a wonderful blessing I received in each service. Thursday night I got home after service and my sweet husband had left the porch light on for me so that It would not be so dark as I came in. I was very thankful because it is pitch black outside in the country at night however I had to walk through a wall of bugs to get in the house. When I opened the back door to enter the house I walked in with two flies, a huge moth, and a couple little flying creatures. I could get the moth and the other flying creatures out the back door with not too much effort but I could not get the flies out no matter how hard I tried. I finally got out the handy fly swatter and with a little chasing was able to get rid of one of the flies. I could not even find the other. So, after 30 minutes of chasing flying creatures around my house, I decided to call it a night.

The next morning I was getting ready for the service and the poor little fly decided to show himself. I chased him around for a little while and then decided that I really needed to get ready and I would chase him down later and with any luck, he would just fly out the door when I got ready to leave. Well, the pesky little thing followed me into the bathroom and right into the shower. I decided that I would get him this time. I took the showerhead and sprayed him with it, he fluttered around for a little while and finally fell into the water, he struggled and finally succumbed to the water and drowned.

As soon as he hit the water the thought crossed my mind, Did the fly not know that I would not stop until he was dead until he succumbed to my persistent chase and that my desire to take his life was stronger than my desire to let him live in my world? I wondered if he ever even thought to find an exit, to find some way to get away from this big bad woman with fly swat that would not allow him to land and rest for one minute. Did it think that I would give him a safe environment, a place of rest, a place of shelter from his trouble and struggles? I immediately started thinking how different this fly was from the moth and the other winged creatures that came into my world the night before.

They were all gathered around the light, to that thing that takes them out of the dark, yet a few of them decided to wander away from the light, to follow something different, to explore a world that they did not know. The moth realized right away that he was outside his element, that it was scary in that strange world and his best chance for life was to retreat. He ran back to the light that was his safe place, his shelter, his life. The fly however got comfortable, thought that he could make it. Oh, how wrong he was.

I cannot begin to tell you how this spoke to me. Lord help me to be like the moth, help me to realize that the devil will not stop until he destroys me. He would like nothing more than to separate me from God and completely take my life. He will not stop and he will pursue me until I have no more strength to getaway. Like the moth I will if I find myself overwhelmed in darkness, fly to the light. I will pursue God, I will desire the things of God. That little pesky fly reminded me this weekend that I’m in a battle for my life and that my best is yet to come. God reminded me of an old song that I remember singing as a child, I have been singing it all weekend and oh what beautiful communion I have had with him over the past few days.

So let the storms rage high
The dark clouds rise
They won’t worry me
For I’m sheltered safe within the arms of God
He walks with me
And naught of earth can harm me
For I’m sheltered in the Arms of God.

I’m thankful for God's hand of protection and for his gentle reminders that I am safe in his arms and under his blood. 

Don't Stress, STRIVE

How many times have you heard the saying, "I am so stressed out"?  This phrase seems to be very popular in the world that we live. There are countless things that can happen to spin you into a stress level that you just don't feel you can recover from. Sometimes the load of it all can be suffocating.  This phrase is often followed by a down flow of  tears or even worse anger, lashed out in most cases to people who don't even deserve it.

My boss came in this morning  to wish us all a good morning and to see how things were going. Wes, being the encouraging person that he is, started a conversation with one of my coworkers who has recently had a change in her responsibilities and gave her a an hourly goal. He said "We all have to have a goal to work towards" and then followed it up with " But Don't stress". Immediately the thought came to my mind, "Don't stress, STRIVE" so I spoke it. Those words have stuck with me this morning and almost consumed me...

I have found myself of late stressing over everything, going through the motions with a smile on my face yet on the inside truly a broken mess. I have taken on the weight of the world, so to speak, and it has consumed me. There have been many things that have contributed to my state of mind lately and not the least of them being my husband's heart attack last month, however I have totally taken the situations into my own hands and have forgotten to lean on the one who has it all under control. God spoke to me so clearly today with just those three words, Don't stress, STRIVE!

So I looked up the definitions of those two words stress and strive. The definition of the word stress is: a physical, mental, or emotional response to events that cause bodily or mental tension. Stress is any outside force or event that has an effect on your body or mind. In contrast the definition of the word Strive is: the attempt to overcome limitations and stay focused on a goal, regardless of whatever quarrels or disputes come up. Well there you go!!

And then it hit me, what is my goal? what events am I focusing on? I have totally let my responses to life's punches become stress and I have put the striving on the back burner. I have gone through worse than this in my life and I was never as stressed as I have found myself of late. My focus is off, my determination to strive for excellence has taken the back seat to this friend I call stress. I have built a relationship with the one thing that gives nothing back in return. STRESS!! In the words of my beautiful Aunt Wanda "WHAT THE WORLD"????

No more, I have the ability to effect change in my life, to do away with the stress and STRIVE for EXCELLENCE, for PEACE, for JOY. John 14:27 says: Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid. That's it, my heart is troubled and afraid and I have no one to blame but myself.  I choose to STRIVE for more of God, for better relationships with my husband and my children, for more desire to be a soul winner, for VICTORY!!!!!

Bishop Chavis opened up his heart this past Sunday and charged the church to keep fighting, that in the midst of a battle with the devil we can STRIVE for victory!! Keep pressing, keep praying, keep fighting. Give your all in all you do. Don't stress, STRIVE!!