How do we stand in times of Great Sorrow?

I thought that in my life I had endured great sorrow. I had suffered the loss of two grandfathers, a grandmother, my baby sister, my two biological uncles, and my mom. I was sure that I had felt grief at its worst; however, I realized quickly that I had no idea the amount of grief that one person could endure. The loss of my husband was different, I felt it in a way that I never felt with other losses. I literally felt like I could not breathe. Getting up and putting one foot in front of the other took all the strength in my body. 

 

So, I started this journey of learning how to stand strong in times of great sorrow. I was living daily, stuck in the past, holding on to every memory, as if it would somehow eventually disappear. Honestly, I had taken the reins and was looking to every memory to bring peace to my heart. I had tunnel vision and I was going in the wrong direction. 

 

A few months after Tim’s death, a dear friend took me to the beach for a couple of days. I needed the time away and the fellowship was so good for me. On the last day, we went to a thrift store, and I saw a picture. It was old & dark, not something that I would have been drawn to. Then I read it, “When life gives you more than you can stand, Kneel”. I didn’t care how much it cost I had to have it. I was broken, not because I had lost my husband, not because I needed God’s peace and I just couldn’t stand during my grief. No, I was crushed because I realized, standing in that thrift store, that I had not only lost my husband but I had also lost my relationship with God. You would think that I would have been jolted immediately, that my prayer life would have changed right then and there with that sweet reminder from God, It did not.

 

Let me go back a little bit. A little over a year earlier I got COVID and was hospitalized for 21 days. I only thought that was the trial of my life. I remember coming out of the hospital, having for years carried my family spiritually, and telling my aunt that I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t carry that burden anymore; I couldn’t be strong. I was so physically weak that it carried over spiritually. She told me to let Tim do it, let him carry this burden for a while.  He had prayed through while I was in the hospital and was more on fire for God than he had been our whole marriage. So, I did, I let Tim do it. He carried us, he prayed, fasted, sent scriptures, laid hands on me at 4:00 am, speaking in tongues, travailing for our daughter, our sons, our grandbabies. Then he was gone and I floated off the prayers of friends and family members for about 6 months. I was sidetracked, lost, and vulnerable. I let things take the place of the God who had always been there with me through every heartache, loss, trial and struggle for my whole life. 

Through it all, God was sweetly calling me back to prayer. He loved me and was always there, I just failed to call out to Him. I remember the day that He got my attention. I was missing Tim so much. I was angry, frustrated, and pretty much a big baby. I said, “God I just miss him”. Immediately I heard, “yes Taryn, I know how you feel, I miss you. I lost it; I was literally a broken mess. For the next week, I was consumed with prayer. Day and night, all the time, on my knees. You see I couldn’t stand any longer, I had to kneel. 

 

I wish I could tell you that immediately everything changed, that I didn’t cry anymore over Tim, and that I was not consumed with grief at times. No, my circumstances didn’t change, my focus did. I am almost a year in, two months away and I miss him every day. But It Is Well With My soul. I am happy and I feel so blessed. I am so thankful for the people that God has put in my life, so thankful for a support system that keeps me on track, so thankful for my kids, and I find strength in my memories now. Strength to carry on, to enjoy my future and all that God has in store for me. 

 

So, if you want to know how I stand in times of great sorrow, I KNEEL.